The Picture Frame Forums ~ View topic - my personal story (also concerning last night's show.)

Joined: 25 Sep 2005 Posts: 979 Location: safe in my frame.

Okay, The Day After. I'm going to post a little of what I wrote last night (I'll put it in the "We Love You John" forum as well. This is actually a "risk" of sorts for me, as I don't exactly know any of you and this is a bit personal and I hope to not be judged for it. I ask that this isn't replicated anywhere else online.

First off, I should mention I have a few health problems, namely a small case of Cerebral Palsy due to premature birth; Epilepsy and anxiety attacks; and an eating disorder, for which I've been hospitalized twice. So, things have been rough for a long time now. I'm not asking for pity, just explaining so what I'm going to say makes sense.

My mom (whom I was with) and I had decided beforehand we were going to sit up in the balcony however, we wandered down onto the floor only to be shocked at the small number of people there. I looked at how close I would be to the stage, and my center position (no farther than 15 feet), and back at her with a pleading expression upon my face. "Alisha, you'll be crushed in the crowd." I did that puppy dog lip thing I never do. "Alright," she conceeded. "You stay here. Do not move. If you start feeling faint or 'weird' (aka. going to have a seizure) then you leave." I could not believe she was going to let me stay.

Before things got bad, about an hour into the waiting, I found myself next to two cliques of late-teenage girls; I felt so out of place, moreso than in a very long time. I knew how it can be on the floor at GA shows so in that sense I was prepared; however, carrying knowledge and actually experiencing it are two very different things. I was pushed and shoved, literally having to fight for my place as a six foot 5 inch huge half-drunk man kept trying to edge in front of me, almost completely obscurring my view of John. Please legs, don't give out on me now, I prayed.

I actually did a lot of praying tonight; Prior to that taking place, I had to talk myself out of a panic attack. I stood basically in the middle surrounded by mostly inebriated people, increasingly smushed, capacity for air rapidly diminishing. Shortly before John came on, the music blaring over the speakers was turned off. A loud, constant buzzing of thousands of people talking and yelling quickly overwhelmed my senses; already sweaty, I began to feel clammy, my heart raced and all I could do was try and distract myself, thinking of how I'd come so far to get to the show. I couldn't leave the floor and chicken shit out, and end up crying out in the lobby, shattered over what was to be an amazing experience. I gulped down deep breaths of air.

Before I go any further, I'm aware of how cliche and rediculous I probably sound coming home, desperately penning down details and emotions, trying to describe the magic the music weaved, and each note that danced in the air. It's because these are my memories and I'm afraid I will forget them.

It goes deeper; there was a time with my seizures that I sobbed for days, afraid and thinking I'd never be able to attend a concert of anyone's again. I know all of you love music and many of you go concerts on a somewhat regular basis, so imagine having to entertain the possibility that you may never be able to experience live music again. Imagine knowing your own brain and psyche is what will hold you hostage. Can you feel a small tug upon your heart?

Now imagine me there and in awe of music, period. Think of me there witnessing one of my favorite artists whose music and lyrics touch me, and think of me remembering that time, flashing to the present and realizing I AM THERE. That's the main reason why it meant so much.

I came thisclose to (possibly wasting time) out by the busses for the opportunity to thank him for the show but we had to leave. Why on earth would I wish to do that? Because something I'd never experienced before happened tonight. Although I was close to physical exhaustion with pained legs and sore feet, halfway through "Something's Missing" I realized that not once during the show had I been plagued by thoughts of my current life "situation" and all that haunts me on a daily basis.

The music literally took me away, took my mind off somewhere else. It was like concious Morphine that simultaneously moved my soul. Despite the raucous bluesy rock, I didn't have a sad thought or worry. Never has that happened before at a concert. Damn, was it a gift. With this world in the state it's in, we need true musicians and lyricists like John, who bring forth the music that has the ability to allieviate our pain for just a fraction of a second. Music brings a certain level of catharsis and and we all need that; it's what I'd've thanked him for. I hope I'll have the chance to one day.

I closed my eyes during the jaw-dropping solo and let my mind wander back to late Spring 2002 recalling when I first heard "Why Georgia" on the radio, ran out to purchase his first album, and listened to it on repeat as I completely lost my mind in the days leading up to my first hospitalization for Anorexia. I was (and still am, to a degree) so traumatized by the inpatient experiences that I couldn't listen to his music for a year and a half, which is yet another thing that made the show special. It was like I'd come around three years later, actually able to face this.

It was magical, so even though I know you'll probably never see this, thank you, John. You gave me a true gift last night.

Banned. Joined: 25 Sep 2005 Posts: 443

This was a very touching post, how can I possibly be the only to respond?

Very passionately (even intimately) written.

I experienced that "travelling" during the Satriani concert I went to early last year, just going along on some musical journey until the end of the show.

(And this was also very interesting to read in the context of thinking about you as a Five. I recently found myself to be a Five with a heavy Four wing, rather than the other way around like I had thought for a little while.

I can relate to things like your introduction, asking for the readers on the forum not to share what personal things I'm about to write, etc. It's funny that we "observers" feel that our private world is about to be broken at any point ... that we're constantly walking a tightrope, and falling would put us in a world where our views are suddenly available and mocked -- and our constant paranoia of this moment.

It is interesting to watch this unfold. For example my tendency to post in the "sexy" forum whenever it is going to reveal something about an emotion or a value/opinion I find important. Or my tendency on other forums to say things like "Here's a picture of me, but I don't know how long I'll keep it here." It seems a classic Five thing [or at least a less well developed Five].

Anyway, my friends are here. I'll PM you some time soon. Nice post.)

Alisha, this is the first time I've ever looked in the "We Love you John" thread, and I want to thank you for sharing your very moving story. I'm so glad that the music could take you away for awhile. I always go to a thread when I see you've posted, because you seem so kind, caring, and funny. I had never guessed about the adversity you've faced, but now I admire you even more *hugs Alisha*
Love

Jo

Joined: 25 Sep 2005 Posts: 169 Location: Connecticut, USA

That was beautiful. If I were you, I would do my best to get that to John. If you don't I will. I'll print it and drop it in his parent's mailbox if I have to. That is a truly touching experience, and I think he would be charmed to know that he has been such an influence there.

Thank you for sharing that personal story, hun! It was very brave of you. I too, only wish that I had seen it earlier.

-- Amie

Joined: 25 Sep 2005 Posts: 979 Location: safe in my frame.

Joined: 25 Sep 2005 Posts: 979 Location: safe in my frame.